Oot the road
Greenock News Drug Watch

BREAKING: Inverclyde to go dry for ten minutes as Police raid ‘Oot the Road’

Tonight, Greenock Police, mobbed up, in about 50 million meat wagons busted ‘Oot the Road’. Drugs were seized and arrests were made. Local dealer, Wully Broon, 13, gave the Indie the exclusive. “They came in like the Charge oh the Light Brigade. Helicopters the lot. They’ll be shouting that they’ve heavy claimed aw the drugs […]

Alcoholic Orangeman refuses to drink on St Patrick’s Day

Outrage as Council bring in gardening fees at Crematorium

Greenock has been cancelled

More house painting problems for planners

Gourock Pool, yesterday
News Gourock

New rules at Gourock Pool

New infection control rules at Gourock Outdoor Pool. Due to the scorching weather, Gourock pool has been absolutely hoaching. In an effort to prevent an increase in the spread of verrucas, Inverclyde Leisure are insisting everyone, including those not swimming, wear verruca socks. You know those white rubber socks that one person at school swimming […]

Café now serving shit coffee

Puddles of Fun

Confusion as man of indiscriminate racial origin seen getting on train

Burst Couch
News The Port Local Bampots

Fury as Burst Couch Dumped in Dump

There was outrage this week as a burst couch and other sundry broken bits of furniture were dumped in the dump that is the upper Port. Angry Portonions are demanding to know why this stuff wasn’t put on Frankies Freebies before it got unceremoniously skipped. “At widda done some wee lassie just starting oot a […]

Juncker bell
Politics News

BREAKING: Time’s up, EU drops BREXIT Deal

Everyone’s favourite alcoholic Jean-Claude Juncker has sensationally told Theresa May she can ‘äre Stéck op Äert Bottom’ in an explosive phone call after the latest fiasco over Brexit. With 650 MPs, who constantly remind us that they are deserving of their £70k plus expenses package, completely incapable of that most important political capacity of compromise, […]

Oot the road
Greenock News Drug Watch

BREAKING: Inverclyde to go dry for ten minutes as Police raid ‘Oot the Road’

Tonight, Greenock Police, mobbed up, in about 50 million meat wagons busted ‘Oot the Road’. Drugs were seized and arrests were made. Local dealer, Wully Broon, 13, gave the Indie the exclusive. “They came in like the Charge oh the Light Brigade. Helicopters the lot. They’ll be shouting that they’ve heavy claimed aw the drugs […]

News The Port

Port Glasgow Mum breaks World Record for Facebook questions

Congratulations to Lorna McMum, 27 from Port Glasgow. She is to be entered into the Guinness Book of records for the most questions asked on Facebook. Lorna, who has never heard of google says she would rather ask her Facebook friends than spend more than 3 seconds coming up with an original idea of her […]

Angry Brits
Politics News

People who voted to protect British Sovereignty getting angrier at British Law

There’s a bit of a hoo-hah doon in England as the various racists, mugs and wallopers who voted to save British Sovereignty realise they’ve shat over their country’s economy and children’s future for a sovereignty they don’t even like. “I was sick of the EU meddling in British Law, even tho’ I don’t have an […]

Greenock News Local Bampots

Alcoholic Orangeman refuses to drink on St Patrick’s Day

Paddy’s day. It’s a hoot, isn’t it? Funny hats, green pints of beer and people still getting wankered even though they have work in the morning. But it will certainly be no fun for Orangeman, Billy McBarr, 56 from Greenock. Billy, a member of the Orange Lodge and registered alcoholic is refusing to have even […]

Joseph Goebbels
Politics News

Arebeit Macht Frei

Theresa May has today called on MPs of all parties to be ’democrats and patriots’ and support her deal. She has also asked for an ‘honourable compromise’ which is, in effect, for them to salvage her twice failed deal with no changes. Meanwhile the Chancellor has refused to confirm the nutjobs in the DUP will […]

News Magazine Local Bampots

JOB ALERT: Lord Lieutenant of Renfrewshire

If any locals are bored in their current job and are interested in an exciting and challenging new career, The Royal Family and British State are now inviting applications for the Lord Lieutenant of Renfrewshire. Retiring incumbent Old Etonian Guy Clark, 74, tells us he’s had a whale of a time. A tapestry no less. […]

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