Magazine Ranting

Celebrity Gossip with Barbie Snozclove

In a first of a regular new feature in The Inverclyde Independent Greenock’s own Barbie Snozclove will be seducing your eyeholes and nostrils with tall tales from the world of celebrity, fashion and lifestyle choices. Rejoice in the bland lack of novelty in your own life, swallowed up by a 48-hour working week and endless bus journeys, as we look at the lives of people far richer, prettier and more intelligent than you. Over to you Barbie. Ya ride.

Top Gear’s Jersey Clarkson Has today lost a lengthy battle with his own mouth as it swallows his nose and eyes.

It is believed that this social tumour Clarkson, age bronze, had been losing the fight for facial supremacy with his lady lips for some time now. We can recall last year’s rumours that The Stig believed he once caught him inhaling his breakfast from a good fifteen feet across the table.

Whilst the Top Gear team were running short of places to go with a dangerous reputation it was only natural for them to select Drumfrochar Road and its outskirts as it’s next Christmas special location. Little did the producers know that their selection would also become Clarkson’s almost fatal playground.

Today, Feb 6th, Clarkson was admitted to Inverclyde Royal Infirmary with licked out eye sockets and nasal caving. Crew members were questioned as to what dangerous stunt caused this malformation of the coupon. One crew member had this to say “It all happened so quickly I thought I had witnessed lightning, he was reading graffiti scrawled across the back of the garages, near the train track, that said ”wully will but willy wullny“. I noticed him go into anaphylaxis as his brain tried to compute and explain simultaneously what he was trying to decipher, as he shouted Cock Gobbles repeatedly at the distressed side of a broken garage door, it was then then his rather large biscuit tunnel started to disperse foam and crawl up his face like a hungry drunk centipede, his tongue sliced his nose in 2 and bashed it inward like a Gibby kickin’. I turned away to get help before the rest happened, but we have the proper medical team to deal with racist cunt overloads so I knew we were in good hands

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