News The Port

A mermaid has washed up on the River Clyde and has sent residents of Port Glasgow into a maritime frenzy!

Naida, thought to be from the mythical underwater kingdom of Atlantis, was discovered beached by locals in the Tesco car park, as cheeky youngsters spat at her and pelted her with coins. One of the teens Aidan McNish, 14, of Oronsay Avenue said: “We were goin doon the clyde tae start a fire when ma pal Archie spied her. Thought it wis a junkie then we saw the tail. Wis tryin’ to get her to go in n get us a cerryoot, but she kept spoutin pish aboot how her last breath wis gonnae be sea foam or somethin. Fuck knows.”

Thomas Shankland, 41, was at first pleased when he heard the news but is now having second thoughts; he said: “At first I thought it was my missus, Chantelle, who has been missing since the Halloween party at the Comet Bar. I was a bit disappointed to learn that it was an actual ocean princess rather than my wife resurfacing from a three-month bender.”

Some locals have been less than impressed with the discovery of a wayward mermaid. UKIP election candidate Michael Burrows, 17, commented: “Here we go again! Pakistanis, Eastern Europeans and now mythical creatures from under the sea getting handouts from the Scottish taxpayer! First it’s free healthcare, next we’ll be setting her up in a three-bedroom council flat and giving her a hundred quid a week to sit on her scales. Send this trident-chucker back to where she came from!”

Naida the mermaid has been unavailable to comment, as doctors at Inverclyde Royal Hospital have taken her into a special tank in intensive care. It’s thought that as well as being harmed by exposure to the surface, she has also contracted a myriad of diseases from the Clyde’s water including HIV, hepatitis and cholera.

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