10 months ago Steven Farcage Jnr shot his load up a lassie and in the 5 weeks since the birth of his child, Steven Farcage Jnr Jnr, he has developed an outstanding ability to be an expert on all matters.
“The first thing was when the missus was talking about nappies. I’d never changed a nappy in my life but, instantly, I could tell she was doing it wrong. It’s like a superpower.”
It didn’t stop there for Mr Farcage.
“This knowledge doesn’t come from nowhere. I seen a post on facebook about how vaccines aren’t 100% effective and now I know, no matter what evidence I see that they are of benefit or how much much the missus cries, that I wont get my son vaccinated. My mind has become a sponge for information. It’s a very selective sponge tho’ as it only keeps the information I already think is true.”
Farcage Jnr thinks the magic powers of fatherhood were working before his son was even born.
“Even when he was in the womb I knew I had to vote No in the referendum. It just seemed that anytime I thought anything I had to be scared of any kind of change because I have a son on the way and, before I knew it, I had turned into a slevvering shitebag about politics yet an arrogant arsehole when it came to anything to do with my son directly.”
Asked if he had any tips for budding parents Mr. Farcage was, unsurprisingly, an expert.
“Start every sentence with the words ‘As a father’. Although it means nothing, literally nothing, people give you a gravitas to your words. It seems that the ability to get a hard-on and ejaculate means your view means more than people who know how to use a condom or pull out. It’s ridiculous that my inability to control my base animal urges suddenly gives me the right to lecture others that they ‘don’t understand’ or that ‘it’s different when you have kids’. I can debate with engineers, politicians, doctors, anyone, on any social matter and random strangers will take my side because I insist what I think is best for our kids. Why bother with 4 years at university when you can spend 10 minutes with a slag?”