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Kilmacolm man ostracised after munching peasant food

A Kilmacolm man has surprised members of his community by eating a Scotch pie. David Foster, 36, a payroll administrator, said: “I took the Lexus through to Greenock for the afternoon, just to see how the other half live. There were lots of fat people and huddled over pensioners in that…that shopping centre they have there. What do you call it? Barbara? BARBARA? What do you call the-oh nevermind. I noticed some youths congregating around a pastry shop called ‘Greggs’, and asked the old crone within for a recommendation, she told me to try a pie. So I had one, then two, then five! I thought, this is marvellous, I just have to tell the guys back in Kilmacolm about this!”

The pie, a double-crust meat pie, is a staple food enjoyed by many in the area – particularly on a cold afternoon at Cappielow. Kilmacolm residents, however, have reacted to the incident with confusion. When presented with the pie, as part of The Inverclyde Independent’s “Taste it yourself, cunto!” initiative, Kilmacolm woman Meredith Baxter-Bridges raised an eyebrow, commenting: “No… I don’t think I want to try that. Is it organic? I’d rather not poison my body, thanks.”

Other residents were more enthusiastic, big-game hunter Hugh Dartford tucked into his pie with obvious relish, stating: “Yum! Haha! That’s terrific, isn’t it? That they eat that! I try to experiment with all the food the poor wretches in the areas I visit eat. Why, I’ve had hotdogs in New York, slugs in France, spiders in Africa, even human flesh in [redacted]! I never stop and think what the peasants in my own back yard eat! Fascinating!” When asked whether he thought there could be greater demand for the product in Kilmacolm, Dartford responded: “Why no, of course not. There’s too much cholesterol.”More on this story as it breaks.

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