by Johnny ‘Beef’ Bullingdon, Crime Desk
Reports of a brawl last night in Greenock’s favourite Peking and Cantonese hot spot have been pouring in to The Inverclyde Independent.
According to local man ‘Duggie Thomson’ the fight was started, apparently, by none other than Hollywood action-hero ‘Kurt Russell’.
Mr Thomson tells us he witnessed the incident first hand while dining with his family yesterday evening. He said “Russell just bowled in like he owned the gaff. Sat down and started shouting for service. The waitress was trying to take his order but he was just being abusive and demanding extra prawn crackers. The wee lassie went away into the kitchen and was back with his food within minutes”
Russell, famous for his film roles in Hollywood blockbusters such as ‘The Thing’ and ‘Escape from New York’ then got very upset when another customer, Darrin McBride asked the ex-heartthrob for a selfie. He was then heard shouting “HEY! ASSHOLE!! Why don’t you take that camera out of my face before I stick it in your piss-hole… SIDEWAYS!!”
The Indy learns that shortly after the disagreement took place, the waitress asked Russell to calm down and offered him a complimentary irn-bru. To which he replied “I don’t drink that sugary shit. This country has an obesity problem. Do you know how much fucking sugar is in that sludge? I’m going to the can. When I get back there best be a fuckin’ double Jack and Coke on my table or I’m gonna kick someone’s ass”
Mr Thomson continues the story “The wee waitress lassie went running into the kitchen crying. Kurt came out the toilet complaining that the hand dryer was as powerful as a baby’s fart. The next thing it just kicked off. There was a really loud ‘GONG’ sound and the Chef appeared at the kitchen entrance in a cloud of smoke. He was armed with two meat cleavers that he was spinning like a mad ninja. Russell backflipped over and did a mad Kung-Fu kick which knocked the chef on his arse. But he got right back up”
According to Mr McBride the battle continued for at least ten minutes with customers taking refuge outside the restaurant. Horrified onlookers described the scene as ‘Childish and Inappropriate’
The brawl reportedly ended with Russell flying through the window backwards with a meat cleaver sticking out of his head.
He then walked off towards The James Watt pub and was heard shouted back towards shocked pedestrians “I never liked your fuckin’ crispy duck anyway”
The chef is being treated for minor wounds to his face and back and is expected to make a full recovery. Russell has not been seen since the indecent.
Police Scotland are treating the incident as serious and are asking for witnesses to report details via their special hotline which has been set up. If you were in the area and seen anything please call on ‘One one one. One one. One one two. One one’