By Johnny Beef Bullingdon, this fuckin’ guy!
“HAVE ANOTHER BISCUIT OR I’LL BLOW YOUR MOTHER FUCKING HEAD OFF”
A Grandmother from Port Glasgow has joined the mafia.
The Indie learns that Betty ‘MoMo’ Morrison, 76, from Upper Port Glasgow, took up with the Cosa Nostra syndicate earlier this year and has been conducting criminal activity in the Inverclyde area ever since.
Betty’s granddaughter, Liz told us how it all began.
“She was hanging about with a group of men while we were on holiday in Sicily. She came back to the hotel one night and said she had joined the Mafia. And that things were going to be different now.
“First night we got home she went to the bingo. She grabbed the wee bingo caller by the neck and stuck a gun in his mouth. She said “Repeat these numbers, you motherless fuck! 17, 24, 73, 15, 42. Don’t make me come lookin’ for you”.
“She slapped the big fella who lives downstairs and made him agree to take her bins out. She threatened to kill his dog. We heard her shouting at the poor guy “From now on you drop off six rolls! Every morning. And the fuckin’ bins… all that recycling shit, you do all mine! And you kick up 20% of your builders business to me. Have my money by tomorrow or I’m gonna kill you and that fuckin’ dog! The yappy little fuck! It’s gonna look like Mince Monday round here”.
Liz explains that Sunday dinners just aren’t the same.
“She burned the totties and my Mam thought it was funny. She started strangling her with a dishcloth. She was being really nasty and shouting “I MAKE YOU LAUGH? YOU THINK I’M FUNNY? I’M A FUNNY GUY HUH? WHAT THE FUCK IS SO FUNNY ABOUT ME? TELL ME? I’M A CLOWN? I MAKE YOU LAUGH?” Everyone just eats what she tells us and leaves without an argument now. And we all have to eat biscuits even when we are stuffed.
“She whacked the Postman the other day because he wouldn’t come in for a wee cuppa. I think she chopped him up and posted him to his family”.
Betty is demanding we write an article on knitting. Which we’re very happy to do. With all due respect. Stay tuned to the Indie for our knitting special.
Our enemies have become Betty’s enemies. Watch out, you fucks.