By Dick Beavers, Yog Sothoth fan
Finnart Street resident Mr Shub Niggurath has outraged planning bosses by painting his house a shade of light-consuming black which devours all that surrounds it. Without first seeking proper planning permission.
The house can no longer be reached by humans as there is a 10 yard void surrounding the building which only cats appear able to step upon.
The trouble started soon after Mr Niggurath moved into the property. Mysterious visitors arrived at the famously curtain twitching street. Most of the visitors wore dark robes with their faces hidden and could be heard chanting at the door:
‘Ever Their praises, and abundance to the Black Goat of the Woods. Iä! Shub-Niggurath!’
An unearthly voice would reply:
‘Iä! Shub-Niggurath! The Black Goat of the Woods with a thousand young!’
After this exchange, the door would open and the guests enter.
Meanwhile, other residents in the street noticed that the wheelie bins never went out on time and resolved to get that sorted. There are standards to keep up in the West End you know, it’s not the QB.
Two residents, who wish to be nameless – not like some nameless horror from beyond time and space, just anonymous – explained how they visited, asked if their new neighbour would make sure his bins were out on time every week.
It appears that the response to this was for the house to be painted in this black, terrible black, colour. It sucks the life from anything that passes.
Apart from cats, obviously.