Greenock News

Greenock has been cancelled

It has been announced 2019 will be the last season of Greenock.

The long-running town has seen plummeting population numbers in recent years, which is one of the main reasons for the cancellation. A council spokesman said, “Every cunt’s bolting! It’s at the point now where we’ve almost got more card shops than people. Fuck’s the point?”

Other factors in the cancellation include the fact that there’s now 12 vegans in Greenock and the only safe option is to burn the town to the ground before that shite spreads any further. The quality of fights has also gotten worse. Mad rammies involving two squads of hard cunts going mental with chibs and Irn Bru bottles have been replaced with weak slap fights between two jessies who don’t want to run the risk of losing and being laughed at on Facebook.

The usual half-arsed attempts by the council to turn things around met with no success. They tried to book celebrity guests but the best they could get was a guy who once sat on the same bus as Les Dennis.

“We approached Netflix to see if they’d be interested in picking up the town for renewal,” the council spokesman revealed, “but they said we’d need to add in CGI dragons and lots of breasts. I told them if they wanted to some hefty old dragons just wait outside The Willow at chucking out time and if it’s a load of tits you’re after come visit the council offices! They hung up.”

Unless plans change December 31st 2019 will be Greenock’s last day. It’s not yet been revealed how the town will be killed off but the bookies’ current favourite is Greenock being fucked to death by Godzilla. We’re not sure if the bookies have really bad info or really good gear.

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