Oot the road
Greenock News Drug Watch

BREAKING: Inverclyde to go dry for ten minutes as Police raid ‘Oot the Road’

Tonight, Greenock Police, mobbed up, in about 50 million meat wagons busted ‘Oot the Road’. Drugs were seized and arrests were made. Local dealer, Wully Broon, 13, gave the Indie the exclusive. “They came in like the Charge oh the Light Brigade. Helicopters the lot. They’ll be shouting that they’ve heavy claimed aw the drugs […]

Greenock News Local Bampots

Alcoholic Orangeman refuses to drink on St Patrick’s Day

Paddy’s day. It’s a hoot, isn’t it? Funny hats, green pints of beer and people still getting wankered even though they have work in the morning. But it will certainly be no fun for Orangeman, Billy McBarr, 56 from Greenock. Billy, a member of the Orange Lodge and registered alcoholic is refusing to have even […]

Politics Greenock News

Outrage as Council bring in gardening fees at Crematorium

Following outrage at Inverclyde Council demanding repair fees for headstones at Inverclyde cemeteries, there is new fury as people scattering loved ones ashes at the Garden of Remembrance are to have an annual gardening fee levied to cover the cost of raking the dead into the soil. Desperate council bosses have brought in the costs […]

Greenock News

Greenock has been cancelled

It has been announced 2019 will be the last season of Greenock. The long-running town has seen plummeting population numbers in recent years, which is one of the main reasons for the cancellation. A council spokesman said, “Every cunt’s bolting! It’s at the point now where we’ve almost got more card shops than people. Fuck’s […]

The Cthulhu Mythos Greenock News Magazine

More house painting problems for planners

By Dick Beavers, Yog Sothoth fan Finnart Street resident Mr Shub Niggurath has outraged planning bosses by painting his house a shade of light-consuming black which devours all that surrounds it. Without first seeking proper planning permission. The house can no longer be reached by humans as there is a 10 yard void surrounding the […]

the kelly cut
Greenock News

New research reveals name for nature trail incorrect

Researchers at Glasgow University have today announced that the popular name for a Greenock nature trail is completely incorrect. For years walkers, cyclists and runners have referred to a popular trail as “The Kelly Cut”. But new research insists that it was referred to by locals in the 1850s as “That Kelly Cunt” due to […]

Fridge cemetery
Greenock News

Cold storage

An amateur metallurgist from Leven Road has told the Indie that he has discovered the site of Greenock’s fabled fridge cemetery. Although it’s pretty straightforward to get rid of washing machines and cookers, it’s been much more difficult to get rid of a fridge leading to fly-tipping on an industrial scale. For many years there […]

Cllr McCabe hates us
Politics Greenock News

Trickle Down Economics 101

Inverkip’s primary 7 pupils were treated to economics in action when they visited the town buildings last week. Councillor McCabe explained to the Indie, “We always enjoy having the kids here but this lot were being extremely disruptive. Normally the kids enjoy the sightseeing trip seeing the Council’s gold reserves and the non-poll tax payer’s […]