Greenock News

Greenock has been cancelled

It has been announced 2019 will be the last season of Greenock. The long-running town has seen plummeting population numbers in recent years, which is one of the main reasons for the cancellation. A council spokesman said, “Every cunt’s bolting! It’s at the point now where we’ve almost got more card shops than people. Fuck’s […]

The Cthulhu Mythos Greenock News Magazine

More house painting problems for planners

By Dick Beavers, Yog Sothoth fan Finnart Street resident Mr Shub Niggurath has outraged planning bosses by painting his house a shade of light-consuming black which devours all that surrounds it. Without first seeking proper planning permission. The house can no longer be reached by humans as there is a 10 yard void surrounding the […]

Gourock Pool, yesterday
News Gourock

New rules at Gourock Pool

New infection control rules at Gourock Outdoor Pool. Due to the scorching weather, Gourock pool has been absolutely hoaching. In an effort to prevent an increase in the spread of verrucas, Inverclyde Leisure are insisting everyone, including those not swimming, wear verruca socks. You know those white rubber socks that one person at school swimming […]

the kelly cut
Greenock News

New research reveals name for nature trail incorrect

Researchers at Glasgow University have today announced that the popular name for a Greenock nature trail is completely incorrect. For years walkers, cyclists and runners have referred to a popular trail as “The Kelly Cut”. But new research insists that it was referred to by locals in the 1850s as “That Kelly Cunt” due to […]

Fridge cemetery
Greenock News

Cold storage

An amateur metallurgist from Leven Road has told the Indie that he has discovered the site of Greenock’s fabled fridge cemetery. Although it’s pretty straightforward to get rid of washing machines and cookers, it’s been much more difficult to get rid of a fridge leading to fly-tipping on an industrial scale. For many years there […]

News Gourock

Café now serving shit coffee

A new Gourock Café is to start serving Kopi Luwak, which is sourced from the shit of a cat-like mammal in Indonesia. In an attempt to appeal to an ever-more demanding Gourock public, newly opened Mugs ‘n’ Jugs is to introduce the jobby flavoured coffee from next week. “We’ve bought in the Kopi Luwak to […]

Politics News Food and Drink


The Scottish Government are to introduce legislation that will see takeaways being required to keep salt and vinegar behind screens. Staff will no longer be able to ask hungry punters if they would like “salt and vinegar?” on their tasty suppers, instead only adding the condiments if they are asked. “Plenty salt” is to be […]

CO2 Shortage

CO2 SHORTAGE: Drinkers demand priority over food industry

Amid reports that poultry and pork suppliers have requested priority over the drinks industry for CO2 supplies, British drinkers are demanding that beer and cider be given dibs on whatever supplies are available. Malky “the alkie” McPherson of Inverclyde led calls for the precious gas to be given to drinks firms saying, “The weather is […]